Convo’s in your head…..

We all do it at times, some more often than others,
we have that conversation in our head,
or we may hold many conversations instead.
They call it the black dog…why?
I love dogs, can’t they call it what it really is?

It’s….
That voice, quite oft that voice, the one of cheer, faith and good hope,
but then like a beast from the depths of darkness, emerges a dissenting voice,
argumentative, downright disagreeable and so bloody morose to boot.

It’s…….
Going to and fro, back and forth inside your head.
I say high, he says low.
I say go, he says no.
I say damn you ho, he laughs and says, yes I know.
I say good, he says bad,
I say happy, he says sad.
Just being an adversary, a rebel without a clue or cause,
he is relentless, persistent without a pause.
What the hell you bloody bugger in my head,
you got me sounding, feeling crazy and needing my head read.

Then….
Starts other conversations, discussions of why, how the hell can I be feeling like this instead.
So now, this damn voice, my closest friend, ally at so many an other time,
keeps pestering me, annoying me with comments of dread.
The king of flatness, the prince of doom, the great pretender,
For this usurper, this try hard coup d’etat of my mind and thoughts,
will have this rule, this reign, I swear shall be ever so short.
For you cannot subjugate, you cannot bring back the dark,
I refuse it, I will fight it and I know I shall win.
But for today,you shall have your win, your victory eat it sweet.
I shall step back for this one short time,
on my mind you shall not continue to commit your crimes.
But for this short moment, you do have me beat.

I do realise, Oh I know this damn dark voice ever so well,
I should not vent or let others know,
but keep these conversations deep inside my head,
but then again just maybe I should speak out, tell others instead,
but how does one adequately express, consolidate the chaotic pattern of thoughts swirling, spinning in my head,
so best not to say, or express, or even tell a story or two,
cos you see, no one can ever truly quite get,
what goes around in your own head.
I guess it physics, its natural law and natures way,
that after such goodness, and such a high,
like some damn messed up weather pattern in your head,
it must mean that a low is sure to follow-up instead.

but…
I do give thanks to God that the pretender has a much smaller run.
I do give thanks to God for my friends, my family and kind caring strangers.
Comments of support, non judgment, just letting you know they got your back.
So appreciative, so grateful, yes y’all are truly miracles and angels sent from above.
It’s sobering, nay, it’s gratifying and brings some warmth to the cold by just acknowledging and accepting,
that to fight it, to question it will prove but naught,
this is a battle that is not to be fought.
No I aint quitting,no I aint getting the hell out of Dodge,
I just know that the pretender is only here a short while to lodge.
So best at times, to let the little bugger, the bastard just have his way,
to run riot and rule, but only for one day.
The self loathing, the disgust you feel against yourself deep inside,
will dissipate, disperse and the pretender shall fall come what may.
For one day like this, I do believe,even though I detest it, I know it must run its course,
for through these thankfully less frequent but burdensome times,
I do learn and appreciate,nay give thanks for those simple and average so-called mundane days. 

God’s love and blessings to y’all and remember reach out if need be, but also recognize when a person needs left be. xoxo

 

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