Don’t Want to Handle it!

 

Every movement, wracks and splinters me with bolts of stabs.

Like a weather station, the bones now, the weather can tell.

Stumbling, hobbling and limping through life,

Spasms, eruptions a cavalcade of nerve endings going off.

There’s a line in a hit song, it goes “I am addicted to pain”
Well tell that “effing effer”, to come live in my shoes for a day.

 

Wearing me down, each and every damn day. (tap, tap)

Constant reminder of what I have lost along the way. (tap, tap, tap)

Each twinge, each twang just reverberates throughout my being,

The sharpness, the rawness, just grating all through my brain. (Tap, tap, tap, tap)

Knocking, knocking upon my door,
Whilst my inner self just screams, no!, no more!(tap, tap, tap, tap, tap)

But no matter what, it just keeps knocking, knocking in my self. (tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap)

Eroding my sanity,my normality, which I spose I have never been,
clawing at my reality, my geniality, turning me mean.(tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, crack)

Each and every day, the cracks they just continue to form,

hairline fractures, splitting atoms inside my head, nuclear explosions making me dead. (crack, crack)

Gnawing at my soul, a daily onslaught, I face daily in my body and brain, (crack, crack, crack)

Nerve endings bursting like fireworks on festival night,
transmitting messages of doom and gloom, that is my fight. (crack, crack, crack, crack)

My own body, betrayal on an internal level,

whilst my brain just tries to cope, but in pain it just doesn’t revel. (crack,crack, crack, crack, crack)

No more!! No more, I just don’t want to handle it!

No more no more, I just don’t want this shit! (crack, crack, crack, crack, crack)
Just a constant tapper, tapper going on inside my body and head,

what would it be like living pain-free instead?
That’s a question I would love to answer and experience and feel,

but not for me, not my lot, not my path in life, that’s the deal.

Just got to persevere, continue on as best as I could. (crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, splinter)

If there was anything I could do, anything I could,
For sure, for sure I would strive to be pain-free, yes, yes I would! (tap, crack, splinter)

Holding myself together, remaining upright, yes that is a daily goal.
To continue, to function, staying pure within my soul(tap, crack, splintering)

Now I know that I am daily so very blessed,
that my mind and soul, yes sometimes I do digress.

Covering up, a trait, a skill that one begins to learn, (tap, crack, splintering, shattering)

Plaster a smile on my dial, carry on ol boy, it’s all you can do.

This is my curse, my monkey on my back, I must see through. (tap, crack, splintering, shattering, explode).
So forgive me during the times when negativity and gloom rules my life. (tap, crack, splintering, shattering, explode, smattering)

I try my best, I do try to rise and stand above the body’s strife! (tap, crack, splintering, shattering, explode, smattering, crumbling)

But then the breakdown a mental explosion!

So sick, so sick of it!!
No more, I just don’t want to handle it!

 

***NOTE***

Not the most eloquent and ordered poem I have composed. It’s a juxtaposition of various feelings, phrases and emotions that race through my mind. Wrote it out in one go whilst under a particularly bad attack of the pain monsters!

 

 

 

 

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